Follow the migratory path of Mel

Another summer come and gone, and as I stare out the window at the rain spattering on the parking lot, I think to myself, I can't wait for snow. But I'm not going to get snow this year. Nope, I'll be lending my services to.....SUNNY FLORIDA!!!!!! That's right folks! A non-paid expense trip to spend six months in North America's most unique ecosystem, the EVERGLADES! You'll spend five days a week canoeing with fifth graders, and alligators, and tromping through the dense swamps showing snakes, spiders, and other slitheries to curious visitors. But to give you a little idea of where I'm coming from, this is the current view from Lake McDonald:
This, however is what Everglades looks like right now:
Which one would you take? Yeah, I know it's a really hard decision. Ski for the winter, run around the swamp looking for things that can eat me. It's a toss up. At any rate, I'm very excited to be employed. Although, truth be told, I was looking forward to my six weeks of unemployment, but I suppose getting paid beats sitting on my parents' couch watching reruns and catching up on Hollywood gossip. That Brad and Angelina thing is really heatin' up though. Oh well.
Currently at Glacier, I'm working with the education groups from the surrounding area, and without fail, I have contracted my first of, I'm sure, many colds. Sore throat, aches, and a general lack of ambition. It's at times like these that I wish I had a tv. But book learnin' will have to do. I have to read through my new Everglades books, so that when I get there, I'm not like "Alligator, who?"
So, if anyone is planning a Florida vacation for the winter, look up Ranger Melissa up in Everglades National Park. I'll be stationed out of Homestead and Hidden Lake.

The Powers of the Badge only go so far

I would just like to reiterate for the cyber-world and public at large, that because I wear a badge does not mean that I have control of the weather. If I did, you better believe it would snow a lot more in January and be an even 78 degrees from June through September. Unfortunately though, the weather does whatever it is going to do. Encompassing, but not limited to: snow, sleet, hail, copious amounts of rain and lightning strikes. I apologize for these inconveniences, but unfortunately, that 's the crap game you play when planning an outdoor vacation. So buck up, have an alternate plan, and bring an umbrella. There, that's been said, now on to more fun stuff.
Did another back-country trip. Up and over Gunsight Pass

and stayed at Lake Ellen Wilson, which is the one in the picture here. To use a term coined by our friend Eric, "It wope our asses". Yeah, it was kinda tough. Three thousand feet of vertical gain and twelve miles. Argh....I took a nap and listened to loons on the lake. That night, I think we were all dehydrated, so we ate a hearty meal of powerade (the red kind), and chicken picante ramen. Just enough salts to start to get that headache to go away. Then, I made the dumb mistake of reading "Night of the Grizzlies" before we went to bed, which is an account of two grizzly killings on the same night in 1967. Note to self: reading about bear attacks in bear country, not good for sleep purposes. The next day we awoke early due to cramped sleeping conditions, overheating, and Eric's incessant snoring ("I'm keeping the bears away," he says. Right....). Then we headed to Sperry Chalet, where we shared a pitcher of lemonade, after which we got the heck out of dodge, since 12 inches of snow is coming our way!!! Great weekend, and I just passed the 300 mile mark, and 307 for the season. Woo-hoo! I think I need new hiking boots now though, christmas ideas anyone?

Where can I see a glacier? What are those Alpine monkeys? and other funny things tourists say

Hello again from the crown of the continent, I finally broke down and got some pictures developed although the scanning of them was less than stellar (boo to Wal-Mart), I 'll have to scan the negatives myself sometime when I have a few minutes.
Let's see, the hiking tally is up to 247 miles, and 1 successfully completed peak ascent (Mt. Oberlin). I say peak ascent, but it's really a glorified day hike. Doesn't take too long and it's only a 1500 foot elevation gain. I'm sure we'll be doing some more in the near future, but we'll have to see. Went into Canada, and we were searched at the border. It might have had something to do with the large amounts of drugs and firearms I had stashed in the back of my Subaru. Come on. Do I really look that shady? Well, when we finally got over the border, it was poaring rain, and the prospect of putting a tent up in that seemed somewhat perilous, so we decided to sleep in the car. That's right, three adults, who had just consumed copious amounts of burritos where going to sleep in the back of my station wagon. Ewww.... Well, a few hours and a small bottle of Southern Comfort later, we were sound asleep like sardines in a little can. We woke up the next morning to the sound of hail pounding down on the roof of my new car (ouch), and gathered our berrings and drove into Waterton Lakes National Park in Canada. The hike started out sunny and beautiful, but quickly turned into a long, fog dense hike. Truthfully, we hiked 12 miles, and besides the first three miles, I have no idea what the rest of the trail looked like. When we got to the end, the shuttle to go back to car was not running, so we ambushed some nice mormons coming out of the visitor center and they gave us a ride.
Last weekend was a Canada weekend too, but not quite the amount of rain, but there was a little bit of haze from fires in Washington, so the pictures were somewhat unspectacular. Anyway, hope you all enjoy the pictures and come to Glacier!

Youthful indiscretion backfired!

So, for my 24th birthday, my bestfriend Leslie and I got pierced. She got a sweet industrial piercing and I got my tragus pierced. I've been feeling pretty bad-ass about the whole thing, because, well it hurt a lot, and it's just cool. One of the things you have to do for these piercings is clean them - a lot. So, I've been diligently cleaning the piercing, but perhaps too much so, because I think I have developed SWIMMER'S EAR!!! What?! I've been dumping so much soap and water down my ear that it has become inflamed. I know you have to worry about contracting things like bacterial infections, hepatitis, and ebola when you get pierced, but swimmer's ear? Come on!

Alaskagain?

So, what's the lure? Is it the sheer size, or scale of the place? The incredible long summer days? I don't know what it is, but somehow I find myself waiting to board another airplane to Anchorage.
Airports are strange places. It's constant transience punctuated by weird encounters and strange fixtures. For instance, at the Alaska Airlines concourse in Seattle, there is this water fountain that makes these water gurgling noises when you press the button to get a drink of water. The way this thing sounds, you would think that you were trying to get a drink out of Victoria Falls. Anyway, I think it's an art installment because it has a title, a name of someone, and a date printed on a little bronze label right next to it. For what purpose this serves, I'm unsure, but it certainly doesn't add any tranquility with its low pressure. I hate drinking fountains with low pressure - you always have to lean really far down to get a drink, coming dangerously close to touching the spigot. ewww....
Anchorage is Anchorage. I really don't like this town very much, but I'm excited to get to Seward and start working with the kids again. I mean school children, not Jacob Berg. The sky is a gorgeous azure, and the smog is at a minimum, allowing Denali to juxtapose itself between the few tall buildings here in Anchorage. People are gearing up for summer, and I take no small comfort in knowing that I will not have to be here, on an island, for the duration of the summer. The crazy train, called Seward in the summer, will not have me on board, phew!
Just working on shipping a few of my things back to Oregon, and that will be the end of my Alaska reign. I think everyone should try and live in Alaska for at least a little bit, just to experience the challenge. It's a great place to visit, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to live here again. Just a little too far away from the world.
Well, I have some more shameless copying of DVD's to do, but look forward to hearing some of the adventures in Seward that will be coming in the following weeks.

And it only gets worse

Just when I thought I'd slip back into my comfortable oblivion, I decided to see what was happening on MSNBC. Well, let's just say folks, it's not looking too good. At least Terri Schiavo gets to die in peace (sort of, if you don't count the obnoxious protesters), but what about the president's silence on the school shooting in Minnesota? I guess we know where his priorities lie. And a finger in Wendy's chili? Dear Lord, if there's a finger in that chili, God only know what else could be there.
On a slightly brighter side of things, there is the annual furniture races at Big Mountain ski resort to end the season with a bang. They actually race these things down a hill and try not to kill themselves. It's sure to be very entertaining. I'll try to take some good pictures to post for everybody.

So irritated at the world

Has the world gone completely mad?! That's a rhetorical question, don't answer. I thought living in Montana, I would be immune from this crap about the world going to hell in a handbasket, but somehow, my escapist tactics have failed, and I am left pissed, and virtually incapable of doing anything because of my remoteness. Argh!!! How my plans have been foiled!
So, here is just a list of a few things that have put the proverbial bee in my bonnet:
Terry Schiavo, or "poor pawn for the religious right". Here's a good article about the Catholic Church's position on the case:http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7276850/site/Newsweek/ It's an interview with a Jesuit bioethicist. Leave it to the Jesuits to make the Catholics sound sane. Are you meaning to tell me that congress, and the president for that matter, is going to overturn the decisions of the Judicial branch whenever they feel like it? And that the constitutional right of marriage means squat? What was all that hot air at the beginning of the electoral season about the sanctity and constitutional rights of marriage? Oh, right, something to get votes from right leaning moderates (Dad).
Ok, number two thing that is totally pissing me off: The whole Pro-athletes using steroid issue. Ok, these people get paid obscene amounts of money for the work they do, and they use drugs; drugs are illegal, steroids are drugs, and we prosecute normal people for using both. WE DON'T WASTE TAX PAYER DOLLARS BY HOLDING CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS OVER WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! Throw Maguire and Sosa's ass in jail, increase teacher salaries and get on with it.
Number three thing really irking me: myopic disposition of this administration. "We're not going to do anything about global warming even though there is an overwhelming body of evidence to support the fact that this is unprecedented warming caused by human actions." I'm actually supposed to show an "Attitude of Gratitude" for the funding that the park service does get. So what they're saying is "Shut up and be happy for what you do get." Is Big Brother watching? Well, it doesn't really matter because all these places are going to be deserts in 150 years anyway. Hey, here's another link for a good article on Global Climate Change in Glacier N.P. so y'all can educate yourselves a little. http://www.nrmsc.usgs.gov/research/global.htm
Breathe Mel, breathe.

Goodnight Nana

I would like to thank all of you who gave your condolences for my Grandmother. For those of you that do not know, my grandmother, Betsy Porter or "Nana" to me, passed away a week ago Tuesday. It was not a shock as she had been ill for quite some time, but you never seem to be prepared for these things to happen. She lived a good, long life, and it was only towards the end that kidney failure slowed her down. The family is very thankful that she went quietly and peacefully during the night. I would also like to comment on the incredile care and attention paid to my grandmother and the family by the hospice workers. What a hard job, and we could not have done it without them.
She will be missed, but we all know she gets to wake up in a much better place than here.

Dancthing Queen

Guess who's going to be a bonafide park ranger? That's right, yours truly. I get the Stetson hat and everything, and I'll be leading people on hikes, long hikes, not just pithy beach walks. Kick ass! So, I had the funniest kid the other day. It will be particularly funny for those of you who have seen Napoleon Dynamite. The day was Tuesday, and it was an afternoon just like any other. I didn't take particular notice to this child before, but perhaps because he was hungry, he didn't seem to talk much. Kids do that when they get hungry, they also whine - a lot.
So, we're eating lunch, and this kid gets a few calories in him, and he just starts acting. I recall that some of the phrases went something like this (imagine this dialogue though, with a thick lisp, unable to say r's or s's correctly)
Mel: Who's your favorite super hero?
Andrew: Thpider man. He hath thweet thpots on histh handsth where he sthoots out websth. (Demonstrates spiderman action) And if there were a bunch of girlsth awound we would say 'Girlsth sthep back. We'll handle thith.'
Mel: (Laughing)Oh yeah, so you'd protect the girls if you were spiderman?
Andrew: Yeah, causthe they need help sthometimesth. But you know what I weally like to do?
Mel: No, what.
Andrew: I love to dancthe.
Mel: (Humored and Intrigued) Oh yeah, let's see some of those dance moves.
Andrew: Yeah, I got thome pwetty sthweet dancthe movesth.
He then proceeds to get the kids around him to give him a beat, and starts his "sthweet dancthe movesth". I'm not kidding you, I think it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I should have mentioned the fact that he was wearing moonboots (Napoleon style), and very ill-fitted jeans (Napoleon style as well). The dancing consisted of some poorly executed handstands and various hip thrusts, but I don't know, there could have been stuff I didn't see because of the tears pouring out of my eyes. So then, we did the puppet show (don't ask), and went outside to play games. I was trying to get all the 1st graders around to explain the rules of the game (akin to herding cats), and little Andrew pipes up,"I don't think I want play the game. I'm gonna go over there and practithe my dancthe movesth." So he went over to the corner of the field and started dancing. He danced until he saw that the other kids were having fun, and then he came over, but it was pretty darn funny. You know, I'm totally gonna miss these kids when I don't get to work with them any more.
My parents also came and visited this week, and we had a great time. If anyone else would like to visit, I will be here through the 31st of March, and then coming back the 1st of June. Between those times, I will be in Alaska, so there will probably be some very depressing entries from my posts in Seward and Whittier, but we'll try to hang in there.
In lieu of the fact that this week's entry was entirely devoted to this 1st grader, I'm including another first grader funny quote. So here's the stats:
Weight gained: Holdin' steady at 3.2 pounds (God help me)
Wild game night menu: Antelope stew (add a new meat to the list!)
Miles skied/Hiked: 47 (5 mile hike with parents. No more snow =( )
First grader quote of the week: I have a thing with heights. (It's funny when little kids say things like adults - they have no idea what they're talking about.)

Poor poor Marty....

What did Martin Scorsese do to the academy to deserve this? I mean, sure Million Dollar Baby was incredible, but doesn't Marty deserve to be validated after all these years? Personally, I think he's a little long winded and unfocused, but shoot, just give the man his Oscar and get on with it. He and Susan Lucci should sit down and talk sometime.
Other than that I was really happy about the Oscar turn out, but did anybody else see a little too much of Beyonce? What, did the original artists go on strike or something? Does she have the best manager ever (isn't it her dad? Maybe he offed a couple of them). I don't know, but all I do know is that someone who once sang "Bootylicious" should not attempt French choral works.
And what was up with Josh Grobin? I thought the kid could sing, but can anybody say key modulation? Bring that sucker up three notches and then maybe he could hit the notes. No chance in the world for that kid.
Other than that, things are good and well here. I had an exciting run in with a Justin Timberlake look alike. This kid was a dead-ringer. It actually could have been him, but I doubt it judging the crowd he was hanging with, and well, what would Justin Timberlake be doing in Whitefish, MT? Anyway, we went to see "Hotel Rwanda" the other night and got some dinner before hand at the Bulldog. We walk in, and this blonde guy is blocking the way, so I simply say, "Excuse me", and he moves, but when he turns around, a slight notion of recognition occurs.
I said to Ali and Debby, "Does that guy remind you of someone?" and Ali replied, "Um, he looks exactly like Justin Timberlake." At which point I proceeded to start humming the JT songs I know, all three of them. He didn't come up much in conversation except for the occasional, "I bet he gets that a lot," but when we left, I looked back to see if the other ladies were behind me and accidentally made eye-contact. I nearly jumped. Seriously, this guy could be his double. So weird.
"Hotel Rwanda" was great, and you should all go out and see "Million Dollar Baby" right now. "Sideways" was also very good. Haven't seen "The Aviator" or "Finding Neverland" yet, but they're on the list.
Ok, here's the stats:
New gray hairs: 2
New Birds: Bohemian Waxwings
First Grader Quote of the Week: "If I die, is everybody else going to eat me?"
Miles skied: 41
Pounds gained: 3.4 (Who gains weight on a meager food stipend? I'm saying it's muscle replacing fat.)

Hand Sanitizer - a very good thing

So far I've been working with the rugrats five weeks and counting, and knock on wood, no colds or illnesses yet. I attribute this, in no small part, to my excessive overuse of Purell hand sanitizer. Sure my hands look like mudcracks in the Sahara, and are about as soft as sandpaper, but so far I have avoided the plague of viruses that these little vectors present. I would also like to thank Lysol brand sanitizing spray, as I use it to disinfect every surface that the children could have possibly touched. It's not overkill - it's self-preservation!
So, this week we had sixth graders for the first time, and I have determined through scientific means, that they are indeed, not human. They have attention spans shorter than first graders, are scared of the opposite sex, but want to have boyfriends and girlfriends, and they actually challenge what you say. Do they not know that as far as winter ecology is concerned, I am their God? Whatever I say is right. Of course snow has insulating properties, and the layer under the snow is called the subnivean, a wood rooted in Latin. Who the hell do these kids think they are? Ph.D.'s? And boys must start really liking boobs at about this point in time because I saw several staring at one of their classmates who was, shall we say, an early bloomer. Sick little bastards. Why can't they all be like first graders? Sure, they don't always make it to the bathroom on time, and their handwriting is atrocious at best, but at least they're not too cool for school yet. Or what I really mean is that they're not too cool for me yet.
Ok, so here's some stats from the park so far:
Miles skied: 39
Strange foods consumed: Turtle, Bear, and Elk (note: wild game night is tonight, so I could have another addition to this list very soon)
First Grader Quote of the Week:
Mel: The snowshoe hare and lynx association is an example of Predator vs. Prey.
Child: What about Predator vs. Alien?
Mel: You'll have to ask Sigourney Weaver.
For grammar geek: I spell checked this, but because of time constraints I am not able to go through and thoroughly proofread this entry, so LAY OFF!!!!!

Life and culture in the canyon!

So, I finally figured out how to post pictures on the blog. Check out these bad boys! We went to barstool finals in Martin City, MT, and these truly are the creme de la creme of the canyon folk. My personal favorite is the pirate ship chasing the two barka loungers. The true comedy of that one was the end, which was not captured on film, but they ended up crashing into the crowd at the finish line and pandamonium broke out. I love this place sometimes.
So, working with children has made me realize why ritalin was created. A direct quote from a child yesterday:
Parent: (Jokingly) Have you ever heard of ritalin?
Child: I used to be on ritalin, but it hurt my stomach, so my mom took me off of it, but she told me that if I couldn't control myself, I'd have to go back on it. They used to come in little yellow pills...Hey! Can I throw this iceball at a bird?
Me: No, (sigh) Chris.
It's a little sad. It's actually really sad.
On a lighter note: I saw the coolest Corvid extravaganza yesterday. In the trees (lodgepole pines and black cottonwoods to be precise) I saw ravens eating something down by the river, then stellar jays started to approach, then clark's nutcrackers came in, and to finish it off, crows swooped in to finish the job. Way cool.
And I know that the grammar on the last blog is wrong, it was supposed to be like spoken word. Who actually says 'I' in that case? Geeks, and not just regular geeks, grammar geeks.

A true participant of the Barstool races. That's right he's drinking a beer while racing, if you can actually call it racing.

Ah, Canyon culture. Yes, that is a pirate ship chasing two recliners.

Mel's new home sweet home, and oh how sweet it is.

Who hates this day more than me?

Hey. After a lot of whining and sniveling, and about a bottle of wine (no pun intended), I decided to take out my frustration in writing. I'm using this blog as a catharsis for my total loathing, and hatred of Valentine's Day. Who in their right mind would actually celebrate this God forsaken holiday? Huh? If any of you answer me, you are no longer my friend. Just kidding, but really? It's a day propagated and perpetuated by the greeting card/restaurant/florist conglomerate that secretly rules and executes all non-religious holidays (and some religious ones too. Ever heard of Easter with Jesus? I didn't think so). Why should we support this evil enterprise with our money and efforts? And why isn't every day a day to celebrate the relationships we have romantic or otherwise?
At any rate, this St. Valentine's day was no different than the 24 valentine's days I have experienced in my day, the exception being that I have a blog now and cyber space can now hear my ranting rather than my pillow or family members. The only thing that made this day any better was the first graders. Ah, saved again by the 7 year olds. The funniest thing I saw was a little kid sticking his arms down his bib-overalls and running around crying "I'm a Penguin! I'm a Penguin!" It was seriously hilarious. Maybe you had to be there.
Oh, I already have FIRST GRADER QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"I'm gonna shoot me a hummingbird. I hear they're good eatin'."
Funny stuff.

Rocky Mountain High!!!!

Ok, who just started singing John Denver? Don't lie, I know you were doing it.
So another week, a few more gray hairs, and nothing to show for it except some unexplained bruises on my feet. Let's see I'll do a quick run down of this week's events.
The week started out slowly, Monday and Tuesday were fairly uneventful, but Wednesday's class decided to come on Thursday, so Debby and I took a little trip to the east side. We began the morning with a couple strong cups of Joe, and headed out in the faithful Ford Aerostar van, affectionately referred to as "Babe" (as in Paul Bunyon's ox). Heading down Montana highway 2 we stopped for a moment as Maria's pass to sing a little ditty from "Paint Your Wagons". If you're unfamiliar with this fine cinematic masterpiece, I first suggest you watch it (it stars a very young Clint Eastwood, and Lee Marvin both singing), and then you will know the song "Maria's Wind". After that we went to the Goat Lick. I think this is especially interesting because it a perfet place to view cognitive learning and teaching skills of Mountain Goats. The parents teach the young to come to this place and lick the rocks for natural salts. Cool.
So, then we went to East Glacier where the wind was blowing, oh at about mach 3. So hard that it was picking up ice particals and slashing them against my face. OUCH! So I braved the winds to try and ski to a place to see these really cool falls, but we got like 2 miles in and I was like, SCREW THIS!!! And turned around. At least on the way back, I had a strong tail wind to help push me up the hill.
Onwards down the road, we encountered the small town of Browning, Montana. I don't know if any of you have heard of Browning, but it's the last stronghold of the Blackfeet Indians. It's pretty much the capital of the Res. And it's a little on the scary side. So, we roll into Browning looking for some eats, and I'm driving. Now, remember, we've got government plates on this bad boy. As we're driving around town looking for a reputable dining establishment, I apparently turn the wrong way down a one way street. Someone honks at me, I'm tempted to give them the bird, but then I remember the plates. Turns out, there was no sign, I'm just supposed to know that it's a one-way from the parked cars. Right....
So, we decide to get some stuff at the grocery store. The doors of the grocery store are flanked with two very mangey looking dogs, and a very drunk native man. We are the only gringos in the store, and somehow, we get the feeling that we're not so much in welcome territory. So we picked up a hodge-podge of food, in no way a balanced diet, and got the hell outta there. Shudder. Not a place Mel ever needs to go again.
Well, to make a long story a little shorter, we had a strange run-in with the secretary from St. Mary who didn't really talk to us, but rather communicated in a series of emphatic "Hmmm's", with inflection going up or down depending on the response. Cooky. I made another attempt at getting the car stuck, but alas, was unsuccessful. God I love driving cars that aren't mine through 5 foot snow banks. The key is the running start.
Well, that's pretty much it. Oh! We also went to the Bulldog Saloon in Whitefish for dinner last night, and ladies if you're looking for a cheap thrill, I suggest using the stall on the left. Let's just say there's a parental warning on it for a reason. Woo hoo!
Other stats:
Miles skiied: About 35
New Birds to Add to the List: Clark's Nutcracker, Pine siskin, Great Gray Owl
Funny first grader quote for the week: Snowshoe hares can be any color, but pink!

Funny things about 7 year olds

So there are a ton of silly things that first graders do that would never happen in adults. For instance, they all want to hold your hand, regardless if they are scared, happy, secure, or have to pee. In addition, they will give you unprovoked hugs to express their "Like" for you. When putting on their snow shoes, they find it totally normal to fart, sneeze, and cough in your face, and when you react to this they fall down laughing at your disgust.
You know how you have to raise your hand to get a question answered? Well, first graders apparently have the shortest of all short term memories, I mean these kids can rival the best of all pot smokers. So when they raise their hands - I'm not even kidding about this - like eighty percent of them forget what they were going to say. It goes like this,"Girls and boys, can you tell me an example of an animal that hibernates?" Thirty hands emphatically go up, so I call on one.
"Yes, Susie, what is an animal that hibernates?"
"Umm.......(long pause with lots of deep breathes, followed by giggling), I forgot!"
*On a special note, there are several animals that hibernate other than bears. There is also an on-going argument of whether bears are true hibernators or not. Torpor, or hibernation, you be the judge.
Oh, and let me tell you something else. If food falls on the floor, it is totally fair game. There's no five second rule, no consideration for the condition of the ground surface, no accounting for whose hand it fell from. Nothing. This is why I never eat food offered to me by a first grader. God only knows where it's been.
Ok, so I like to think of the funniest thing a kid said during the week. And this week's goes like this:
Child: I'm psychic.
Mel: Oh really.
Child: Yep, I can tell you how old you are without asking. (Note: Another thing children do that adults wouldn't: ask a woman her age)
The child puts two fingers to each temple and rubs them as if he is trying to center on his third. Then, he opens his eyes and says: 37!
Mel: What?!!!! Do I really look like I'm 37? I mean, I know I have the gray hairs and stuff, but really kid, do I look 37?
Child: (Laughing) How old are you really?
Mel: 23!
Child: Oh! Then I bet I know how old Ranger Debby is.
Mel: How old do you think Ranger Debby is?
Child: (same temple rubbing motions) 24!
Mel: (to myself) you little shit.
Child: What?
Mel: Nothing. So I look 37 and Ranger Debby looks 24?
Child: (laughing) No, you both look the same.
Mel: Whatever.
So ladies and gentlemen, they may look sweet and innocent, but under their sticky and grimy exteriors, lie insults just waiting to be had!
No, but they're lovable in their own ways. Just like many of you. HA!

Your tax dollars hard at work

So I know the last blog entry said that you shouldn't drive your gas guzzling cars anymore, and while I'm sticking to my guns on that one, it definitely does not apply to government vehicles. In particular, ones I drive. Government vehicles, particularly those with 4 wheel drive are kick ass to drive. You know why? Because they're not yours!! And because they have this sticker on the back that says "FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY". Ha! as if my four-bying is official use! Well, technically it is, but seriously, who are they kidding? So the whole motivation for this ranting is that we get to drive this minivan (Ford Aerostar circa 95) that is equipped with four wheel drive. Seeing as how all the snow is melting, we have to go deeper and farther into the wilderness to find snow, and the four wheel drive has made for many adventures. Now, I'm not saying we haven't had the threat of getting stuck once or twice, but with the skillful driving and maneuvering abilities of yours truly, I have managed to get us out of a few little (or big as it were) scrapes. The treks into the wilderness are for scientific purposes: we're measuring snowpack for a global climate change study, and for avalanche danger, so it's in our best interest to get as close to the trail heads as possible, thereby necessitating the 4x4.